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Worn out

July 2, 2013

It’s been 5 days since dad had his surgery and I am exhausted. The day after surgery when dad was in intensive care we spent a few hours at the hospital tag teaming bed-side visits with him and all things considered, he was doing great and looked good. He had his colour back and was very coherent (when he wasn’t knocked out with morphine). We sat with him; prayed with him, let him sleep, then did it all over again. They moved him into a ward on Saturday, which was great and quicker than I expected, so it was a good sign of his progress.  We’ve so far spent every day at the hospital spending time with dad, trying to lift his spirits. The morphine is knocking him out big time and giving him major hallucinations – some funny, some not so funny. I was sitting with dad on Sunday while he was dozing off and he woke up, looked at me and said “Leila, did you know that Superman made $17 mil on the weekend!” then falls back asleep. Rightio. Poor bloke has had some bad visions coming through as well though and they are making him more tired. On the whole though, all things considered, he is doing well.

 

I came up alone today to give mum some rest so I’m sitting in the hospital with him at the moment watching him toss, turn and mumble in his sleep. He looks tired and today, he looks like he’s aged a few years. He told me when I arrived that he choked during the night while he was taking a sip of water and because he pushed so hard, some blood came out of his stiches. I asked the nurse on duty about what happened and she said that she wasn’t told about it so there is nothing she can do. Apparently the night nurse verbally hand over to the morning nurses and nothing was mentioned. I asked dad again and he clearly explained the situation to me so I tracked down the nurse and told her to follow up on it. It may be a non-issue to them however if my dad is telling me something happened to him throughout the night; I want to know if it actually did. One of the other nurses came in and told me that he isn’t pressing the morphine button so they have set it on automatic for him. Poor dad.

 

As for me, I’m tired. I have held things together pretty well so far. Shad was sick on the weekend so I had to do double duty at the hospital on Sunday, so along with doing all the grocery shopping, finishing my assignment, driving back and forth all day and trying to find parking (If I get rich I’m buying out the parking bay in the hospital and making it free for everyone!), I knew that at some point soon, I would break. I broke. Yesterday we were having a few issues happening at home and I was going back and forth trying to sort some stuff out. I sat down to talk to mum and my eyes started tearing up, so mum goes “don’t worry about it, everything will be fine”. I looked at mum and said, “I’m tired. I am so tired”, and that was it, I broke. Uncontrollable sobbing took hold and I just cried for about 10 minutes. Than I felt bad cause I didn’t want to add to mums worrying and started crying even more. Mum hugged me and started praying for me. I am so emotionally and mentally tired. But it’s to be expected. I’m gearing myself up for another few weeks of this and making sure I have some time out by reading or going to the gym. I’m thinking I may need to increase my visits to the gym, as it’s a great way to vent without offending people. A lot of things are going through my mind and there is a lot I want to say to people, but I know it’s all out of anger and frustration, so I’ll keep praying for God to keep His hand over my mouth.

 

Dad has a check up on Thursday to make sure that everything is holding together the way it should, so God willing all will be fine and they will start feeding him through his mouth instead of through a tube. They haven’t mentioned whether or not he will still need chemo so that’s still hanging over our heads, but being that the cancer was removed and it hadn’t spread anywhere, we are praying and believing that he won’t need it. I’m watching dad sleep and listening to him snoring loudly enough to wake the dead, and it’s made me smile. At the end of the day, the exhaustion from going back and forth to the hospital is better than the alternative of him not making it. Back to watching over him.

 

God bless x 

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