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Getting closer…

June 13, 2013

We’re getting closer to the operating dad and nerves are starting to fray. The last few days have been filled with doctor appointments and while it’s been good to get a better understanding of what we’re dealing with and what to expect post surgery, dad is starting to get a little confused with it all.

 

He saw the anethesist (I think that’s how you spell it) yesterday and got a run down of what to expect pain wise after surgery. We weren’t allowed to go in with dad so we got his version of events when he came out. It was doom and gloom (which I expected it would be as dad is a little dramatic) so I took dad to lunch, went shopping – I convinced him to buy a leather bomber jacket, which he paraded for mum when he got him – very cute. While we were shopping I got him all excited about how we would need to go shopping for a new wardrobe once he’s recovered as he’ll be losing a lot of weight and will be a new man. While it’s not the most important thing to focus on, it got his mind of things. Today we saw the dietician and thankfully I was able to go with him. I realised when we were there that dad is starting to get a little confused by the comments he was making and the way he was answering some of the questions she asked. Truth be told, I’m not sure if he’s confused because some of the words don’t make sense or if he’s in denial out of fear. But in any case, the dietician confirmed what I thought – it’s not going to be as bad as dad was making out. He will struggle, he will lose weight, but he won’t be eating baby food for 6 months. She explained more clearly what’s going to happen to his stomach and his eating when he gets out and if anything, it’s a blessing, as dad will finally lose the weight he’s needed to lose for 10 yrs. But he did get a little depressed when she said he couldn’t eat steak for a long time. Poor dad.

 

I also realised that dad was getting stuck on certain things and I think this is out of fear. He has been told a few times that he will be fed via a feeding tube inserted into his stomach for the first week while his stomach heals. After the first week, they will do a swallow test and check if there are any leaks in his stomach and if all is good, he’s able to eat via his mouth. Dad can’t get past the tube and has convinced himself it’s going to be some massive tube hanging out the side of his stomach, which means he won’t be able to leave he house etc. The tube is going to be tiny and no one will even notice it’s there, as it will fit nicely under his clothes. I’ve had to repeatedly explain this to dad, as well as get the dietician to explain it to him today.

 

Mum is the other challenge is have – one of her friends decided that the best thing for mum was to tell her all the horror stories about failed surgery and cancer being too strong to beat etc, so that got stuck in mums mind for a while and it was a challenge to clear her head of that. Needless to say I had very violent thoughts towards this man. That’s another area that’s causing my frustration – mum struggles to walk away from these kinds of conversations so she comes home with all these insane thoughts and images in her mind. Not good for someone with depression. My brother is checking in with everyone and spending what time he can with mum and dad – truthfully it isn’t a lot but he’s trying. But it feels like the bulk of it is falling on me because I’m home. I feel like I’m having to wear a few different hats at the moment and be something to everyone – the voice of reason, the voice of faith, the voice of patience (not one of my strongest traits), the supportive sister, the taxi driver, the researcher, the translator, the cheerleader and God knows what else. Over the last few days I’ve been repeatedly praying for God to shut my mouth and give me peace. Everyone is a little on edge as we get closer to surgery as major surgery for a 67 yr old to have. Everyone is desperately trying to ignore the fear, so I don’t want to make things worse by voicing how I feel. It’s not about me. At this moment it’s about getting the family through this, so I’m going to keep my thoughts away from my family and only share them with God and anyone that’s reading my blog.

 

I can honestly say I’ve never wanted to run away and join the circus so much in my life.

 

God bless. X

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