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An idle mind is the devils playground

May 31, 2013

And now we wait…. and wait some more. Dad is getting more tests this week, then we see the surgeon next week to talk dates and discuss whether they will do chemo before or after the surgery. The waiting is doing my head in. The phrase ‘an idle mind is the devils playground’ has never seemed more real. They say time heals, which is true. It also screws with your head.

I took this week off to spend with mum and dad and it’s been a blessing. Mum was in shock the first few days of finding out. We knew the shock had worn off when Shad, my brother, woke to to find her sobbing in the kitchen one morning. Shock was gone and reality had kicked in. Hard. It’s hard watching your parents struggle and having to reverse roles to comfort and support them. Mum and I have spoken at length this week about it and I’ve seen how her mind has gone in a few different directions. I’ve had to, at times, work hard to bring her thoughts back to the positive side of the fence. I must say though, mine did the same over the last few days. I’m generally pretty positive, leaning on my faith to help me through and keep me positive, but this week, I found my mind heading in a negative direction. I’ve long had an active mind and imagination  – it jumps from one thing to another all the time like a puppy with a ball, so it was a struggle to keep my mind from catching a negative thought and running with it. At one point the thought came into my mind of ‘what if the treatment doesn’t work?’…hard thought to try and clear out of your head. But, like I said, I lean on my faith to get me through and this was no different. When I can’t still the thoughts in my head, I start singing. So I started singing (in my head) some worship songs from church and kept singing until my head cleared and I felt more positive. It put my head and my heart back in the right spot.

I’m sure things will get harder when treatment starts. I’m mentally and emotionally preparing myself for that. I’m also preparing myself for dads state of mind as he is by nature the opposite to me – very much ‘the glass is half empty’ kind of person, so I know our biggest struggle is going to be with dads mind. He is struggling this week with it and is feeling very scared. Understandable. I remember years ago they found a lump in my breat and I freaked out. Thankfully it wasn’t cancer but I remember the panic. So I’m sure knowing you actually have cancer is a million times worse. But by the grace of God, we will get through it. Day by day, He will give us enough grace to get through. We’re believing that. And holding onto it with both hands.

God bless x

By the way, if you’re wondering what lyrics I was singing, they were… ‘Christ alone, cornerstone, weak made strong in the Saviour’s love. Through the storm, He is Lord, Lord of all’

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